Reflections in a Cracked Mirror

First off let me say I like my life right now.  I really do.  And I'm not just saying that to try and convince myself.  Still there is always a but to everything isn't there.  And there's a but to that statement too.

 

Birthdays are a time of reflection.  After so many of them you tend to look back and think of things you hoped to have accomplished by certain birthdays, places you hoped to be.  Birthdays serve as nothing better than markers in life, letting us know where we are, where we wanted to be and where we hope to be. 

 

Tuesday was a birthday for me.  I'm not a big birthday person.  Most of my birthdays I've spent working.  I don't have to request it off, I am just as happy to spend it working.  Family and some friends will call me to wish me a Happy.  Ususally any presents that I am going to get, from parents or whoever, I will have gotten early, since they are never sure they will see me on my birthday.  So in most ways my birthday is just a normal day.  And that's cool.

 

I guess since I'm off this week for vacation and it's a vacation where I'm doing nothing but sitting around the house being lazy when this birthday came it gave me time to think about things.  I had planned this vacation to basically do nothing, I needed some downtime to just recharge my batteries.  I've been on the go so much lately, that I just wanted time to sit around and read and play on the computer.  I figured that I would be leaving so many messages on different blogs that people would get tired of me (if that's possible).  But I found everytime I sat down to write a comment (save for a few I managed to get out) I found myself unable to write anything.  My mind would go off in other directions.

 

I like living alone.  I've lived alone for the majority of my life.  I can say that I'm comfortable enough with myself that I don't mind it.  I can do what I want, when I want.  Still it would be nice to have someone to come home to, someone to share my life, or at least part of it with.  It doesn't have to be a wife, a girlfriend to share things with, talk over things with, would be nice.  Someone sometimes to just hold on to, when things seem to get too rough and when words aren't needed.

 

I can't even remember the last date I went on.  It's been at least two years.  No, I take that back, I did go on one about a year ago.  Was introduced to this woman through a mutual friend, we talked a few times, mainly on the computer through email.  Decided to meet at Copelands.  Went and had dinner.  It was....ok.  She was nice.  Kept getting up to go to the bathroom, I mean like at least seven or eight times.  Didn't eat her meal, ended up taking it home in a to go box.  But she seemed like a nice woman.  I told her that I'd call her sometime and we could try it again.  Maybe it was just an off night for her.  This was a Friday.  Sat I went over my brothers and didnt' get home till Sunday.  Found an email from her, calling me a liar for not calling her.  Now maybe I'm wrong, but is one day too long to wait.  Any of the women out there help me out.  When I said I'd call her, didn't I have the grace period of more than one day?  And I told her I was going over my brothers for the weekend when we were talking.  I decided that this did not bode well, so I decided to let her think what she wanted and did not call her.  If her reaction was going to be that off that quick, it was something I decided I didn't want to get invovled with.  Maybe I was wrong...but I just didn't see that heading in a direction I wanted to go.

 

I like my job.  I enjoy what I do.  I love setting aisles, doing planograms, making the store look good.  Still it wasn't what I expected to be doing at this point in my life.  From as early as I can remember I have always wanted to write.  I've always wrote.  From my earliest days I can remember trying to sell what I wrote.  I always thought that I would be writing comic books.  Among other things.  Stories.  Novels.  Anything and everything. 

 

And I have written stories.  And I have sold stories.  I have written comic books that have been published.  It's been awhile.  Almost ten years.

 

Even when I wasn't selling anything, when I was writing and trying, it was enough.  Just the act of writing.  The quote that I put at the top of this blog says it perfectly, it was like I had to write, to get it down, to get it out of me, or I would die.  I would blow off friends, I would skip parties, I would stay home to write.  And it felt good.  Even if I wasn't getting published, the act of writing felt good.

 

Than I actually started selling stuff.  I was getting published.  I was making contacts.  Things were going fairly good.  And somehow it all came to a screeching halt.  Why I'm not sure.  It just seemed that I didnt' want to write anymore.  I stopped.  It happened at a bad moment in the comic industry, when it was down sizing, so it made it easy for me to stop, the work was drying up too. 

 

The bad part is that I still have all these ideas floating around in my head.  I keep thinking great stories, of great characters, of great opening scenes.  But everytime I go to put them down on paper it seems the words just disappear.  I'll start a line and than think of something else I need to go do.

 

I have the greatest friends.  But somehow I've distanced myself from some of them over the last year.  I've let contact with them fade away until I haven't talked to them in at least twelve months.  And these are some of my closest friends, friends I've had for over twenty years some of them, some of them shorter lenghts of time but still just as dear to me.

 

I've had some rough times in the last year with some people I thought were friends to discover that they weren't too.  I don't want to get into it too much on here, I really dont' want to talk too much about them, but some things I felt betrayed on and some things that I probably didnt' act in the best also. 

 

So....like I said this week has been a time of reflection.  And maybe that's good.  It lets me see what I have, what I can have, and what I need to work for.  It's just meant that for once I've kept my big mouth shut around here and been quieter than normal.  I promise that will stop.  I will start posting on my blog again.  And on yours and yours and of course yours....