Mourning

I mentioned that I was going through my old stories and seeing what I had. This was one of the stories I found. A little rewriting and I think it turned out pretty good.

Mourning


Ashes to Ashes. Dust to Dust.

Such familiar words are the once alive returned to the ground. The casket was lowered into the ground. Dirt was spilled atop it.

Tears clouded her vision. She tried to keep her mind on the here and now, but memories kept pushing their way into her present.

Riding home on the school bus as Father drove. All the boys were afraid to even sit next to her, much less say anything. Her Father cast a long shadow.

Her pet raccoon, it's three legs hobbling across the yard, finally turning mean and biting her. She never found out what her Father did to Tripod.

The birth of the youngest daughter, her sister Mary Ann. She was a good ten years younger than the next closest, Sam. They had all thought there would be no more kids.

Alice glanced at her Mother. How would she adjust? How does anyone adjust to the death of someone that they've lived with for sixty three years? Someone that they've slept with for sixty three years? Someone that they've had more breakfasts, lunches and dinners with than anyone else? To Alice the thought was almost terrifying.

Still she would not be completely alone. There were five children, Judy, Alice, Jessie, Sam and Mary Ann. Mother could always live with one of them. Well, at least four of them. She would never leave this area and Alice was the only one of the five to move out of state.

Wiping her eyes Alice looked around. There was quite a crowd for the funeral of a poor old dirt farmer. For that was all her Father ever attempted to be and all that he ever was. That and one of the kindest, gentlest men she had ever known. A lot of faces that surrounded her were unfamiliar. Some of them Alice thought she could recognize if she peeled away the years.

The preacher was walking around trying to console the mourners. Alice turned away. She did not want to listen to empty words of loss. No, that wasn't fair she thought. The preacher had been friends with her Father for thirty years at least. He felt the loss as much as any of the family. Perhaps more than some. Jessie was already arguing about who got the house.

Alice did not care who got what, but she would be damned if she let her brother take whatever he wanted. She knew the others would draw sides, but not take any opening attacks. They would let her and Jessie do that. And where would Mother be in all this, but in the middle?

She walked off to the side. Alone. Beneath a tree she paused. Looking back she watched her brother take their Mother by the arm and lead her away.

“Why did you have to die, Daddy?” She wanted to cry and scream at the unfairness of it all, but she couldn't. Her Father had been 83 years old when he died. He suffered a little towards the end, but not greatly. How could living a full life of eight three years be unfair. How long was he to live? Another ten years? His body had been wearing down. Was he to keep on living for her sake, even if his body was slowly dying? Would living another ten years confined to a bed and needing help to do anything, even to go to the bathroom, be fair?

A hand upon her shoulder interrupted Alice's thoughts. Turning she saw one of the unfamiliar faces from moments before. “Alice?”

“Yes.” She had her voice under control, even if the rest of her did not feel that control.

Now that she was giving him her full attention the man seemed unsure of himself. Perhaps this was not the best time to talk with her. He did not really want to intrude on her grief. But he did. “I don't know if you remember me. We went to school together. High school. I was on the football team and you played basketball.”

She pushed his face into the past. Take away the gray in the hair, the wrinkles around the eyes and mouth. Take the slight paunch his belt tried to keep in check and apply it to his cheeks. Add a little muscle to the arms. And...yes, instead of the clean shaven face there was the faint wisp of hair over the lip. “Tommy?”

He was relieved. She remembered. It would have really been embarrassing having her play twenty questions at this moment in time. “Yeah, it's me. I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am. I liked your Father a lot. He was a good man.”

“Thank you.” For a minute she had almost forgotten where she was. But reality has a way of constantly intruding.

An awkward moment passed while neither one knew what to say. Before whatever pleasure this meeting had been could become an uncomfortable memory Tommy spoke. “Are you, will you be in town for long?”

The funeral was breaking up. Her sister and youngest brother stood next to the grave, looking in her direction. Waiting for me, so they could get back home, she told herself. And for her? Home was a thousand miles south, and another week away at best. “Probably another week here. We have to get Mother settled and everything.”

“Of course. Of course.”

Another pause in the conversation while he debated going on. He decided to. “If you're not busy, how about lunch tomorrow?”

Now Judy and Sam were the only ones standing at the gravesite. Everyone else was getting into their cars. It had been a long time Alice thought. Tommy had been one of her first boyfriends. He was one of the few boys that risked her Father's watchful eye on that bus ride home from school and bravely took a seat next to her. But that was in the past. She was married now, with a family of her own. Yet it would be nice to talk with Tommy, to talk about something besides death.

“Yes, I think I'd like that, Tommy. Why don't you call me sometime in the morning. I”m staying at my sister Judy's house. Her numbers in the book.”

He let a small smile escape his lips. Anymore would be in poor taste considering the circumstances. “Good. Then I'll let you go. I see your sister and brother waiting for you.”
* * *
The night has passed with numerous warnings about Tommy from her family. It was almost as if Father's death could be forgotten in lieu of another family crisis. Only it wasn't another crisis and Alice would not let something as trivial as her having lunch with an old boyfriend become more important than her Father's death.

It was silly she told herself as well as her family. Just because Tommy had been married three times does not mean he was out hunting old flames. But Alice failed to mention Tommy to her husband that night when they talked on the phone.

“Are you alright, Honey?” You sound upset?” Her husband's voice could have been coming from a million miles away. Of course she sounded upset, she had just buried her Father today. How was she supposed to sound? Happy?

She big off the cruel remarks. She was tired. That was all. “I'm fine. Just a little tired. And wishing I was home.”

“When will you be coming home?”

“As soon as possible. I want to make sure Mother is all right. And Mary Ann isn't taking Father's death very well. No more than a week I'm hoping.” Mary Ann had been admited to the hospital the same day as their Father. The afternoon before Father died Mary Ann had given birth to twin girls.

“I love you.”

“I love you. I'll be home soon.”

The night passed for Alice on her sister's couch. She could not sleep away from home in the first place and sleeping on a couch was next to impossible. She was awake the next morning when Fred, Judy's husband, stumbled into the kitchen on his way to work at six in the a.m. By the time the rest of the house was up Alice had already ate and was waiting impatiently to get the day started.

The day was just as bad as the night for her. Mother did not want to go back to the house that she and her late husband had lived in for sixty three years right away. It was too big and too full of memories and she did not want to be alone right now. The decision was for her to stay with Sam and his family. But Jessie decided that mean the could move his family into the old family home.

“No!” Alice did not want to shout, but found herself doing so anyway. “That house belongs to Mother.”

Jessie though since he was the oldest son that he should have first pickings. Alice and Judy were both older than him, but in his eyes they were daughters and it was not the same. “But she's going to be living with Sam. That old house will rot away if someone doesn't look after it.”

“She's only staying with Sam till she feels better.” Sometimes talking with her brother was like explaining things to her ten year old daughter. “In a week or so she'll probably feel up to moving back into her house.”

“And if she decides it takes a month or two, I'm not saying she can't come and live with us there, but I don't think we should leave the house deserted. And when she does move back in she won't be alone. That's an awful big house for one old lady to live in by herself. With Dad gone she's going to be awful lonely.”

How long had Jessie been like this she wondered? Was he always such a bastard? She remembered a twelve year old boy that chased off a bully that was bothering her. What had happened to her twelve year old protector? “Then why didn't you volunteer to let Mom stay with you now?”

“Because I don't have the room. You know that, sis.”

“Sam's house is smaller than yours and he had two more kids.”
And on and on it went for the day. In the midst of this arguing Tommy called. She could not leave now she told Tommy. She was sorry. Dinner? Why not she asked herself? Otherwise she would spend her dinner arguing with Jessie or the rest of her family. She agreed.

They ate at a restaurant in the city. Earlier on the phone she had told her husband that she was going out to dinner with an old friend. Yet she did not tell him who, and without actually lying she let him believe it was an old girlfriend. Now she was asking herself why? What did she think he would say? It was just an innocent dinner with an old school friend. What did she think her husband would think? Did she think something more was going to happen than dinner?

It was ridiculous she told herself. She was married. Happy. She had never even thought of cheating on her husband before. And she was not thinking of it now. It was just the aftereffects of her Father's death. That and the trouble with Jessie.

The meal was excellent and the conversation good. They talked about their younger days and rarely mentioned anything that had happened to them since they had graduated high school. Alice felt the years slip away and she almost imagined herself a girl of seventeen again.

Tommy had been one of her first loves, never really going all the way. There had been a lot of kissing and touching and even some fumbling with her bra strap but they had never manged to go all the way.

The night passed pleasantly and quickly. After dinner Tommy brought her back to Judy's house. Never once was he anything but a complete gentleman. As Alice watched his car drive away she wondered why she wished he had tried something. She had expected him to want more than dinner and strangely she found herself disappointed when that was all he truly wanted.
* * *
The next day Alice exploded at Mary Ann. Her younger sister was over Judys, the twins were with their Father. Mary Ann had nt taken their Father's death well. She moped around the house, whining about this and that until Alice could stand it no longer.

“Mary Ann, why don't you grow up and face reality. Did you think Daddy was going to live forever? He was an old man.” Alice hated herself for saying those words, but they were the truth. And Mary Ann needed something to bring her out of her depression.

“You better start acting like you're alive, Mary Ann. You've go two little girls that's going to need their Mother, not some ghost who keeps crying for her Father.”

Of course she slammed the door on her way out. But once outside she had nowhere to go. Alice sat on the doorstep. It had been twenty years since she lived here, so even if she had a car, which she didn't, she had no place to go. This city had changed too much for her in the last two decades to be able to navigate. And where would she go? The only people she knew were her family and that would just be traveling from one fight to another.

If this was an After school special or a Lifetime Movie Mary Ann would come out after a few minutes of Alice sitting by herself and tell her older sister thanks, that was what she needed to get back to normal. But it wasn't, so when Mary Ann did come out of the house she walked by Alice without saying a word. Alice watched her get in her car and drive away with a word being exchanged between the two sisters. Was she going to alienate all her family while she was here Alice wondered?

Maybe it was time for her to go home. Let them tear themselves apart. She did not need this misery. But they were her family. And if she left Jessie would throw Mother out in the street if he had to. And the others would stand aside and watch him gobble up the house, the farm, and anything else he could get his hands on.

If only Pat was here. Talking on the phone was no substitute for being there in the flesh. But her husband could not afford to miss any work and she had not wanted to drag the kids out of school right now.

The voice of her sister startled her. “What?”

“Telephone.” A pause. “It's Tommy.”

She agreed to have dinner with him again. And than she decided to go home tomorrow. She was tired of fighting. Why did it matter to her if Jessie moved into the old family home? She had no plans to ever move back up here. Let them fight it out among themselves.

Tommy brought her to a different restaurant. It was just as nice. “You're beautiful, Alice.”

“Tommy” That was all she could say. His name. Because her thoughts were too confused. Who would know? A one night stand, and tomorrow night she would be back in the arms of her husband. Isn't this what she had wanted the night before?

Tommy changed the subject. He mentioned some old friend from their school days and what he was doing today. It was a funny story and when he finished Alice laughed.

The rest of the dinner was spent in the past. Tommy realized this was the safest tactic and Alice felt safe in her thoughts about Tommy if she believed she was still seventeen. Once or twice their hands touched, but never joined together. At the end of the meal Alice realized with a start the her knee was resting aside Tommys and had been for most of the evening.

When Tommy helped her put her coat on his hands lingered about her neck. She tried to protest, she wanted to. She tried to think of her husband, her kids, but all she could remember was her Father.

In the car, when Tommy failed to turn down the road that would lead back to her sister's house Alice still did no protest. She wanted someone to hold her and tell her she was loved. She needed to be loved, so she could deny death.

The drive was in silence. Her mind was troubled over what was happening and what it would mean. Tommy was afraid to say anything least she object.

When they stopped at a red light Tommy reached over to hold her hand. She did not react. Slowly as the car started through the now green light she withdrew her hand from his grasp. She needed to think.

But this was not a matter to think about. It was a matter of emotions. She liked Tommy. Who would know? That was the question. That what kept haunting her mind.

The car came to a stop in front of a darkened house. Tommy's house, Alice knew without asking. She said nothing, did nothing, and finally he spoke in a voice from a million miles away. “Alice? Let's go inside.”

The tears began. She felt as if she was crying for the first time since her Father died. Quietly, softly the tears slid down her cheeks.

“Alice?”

She did not turn to look at him. She spoke in a whisper. “I'm sorry, Tommy Please bring me to my sisters.”

For his credit he did not raise his voice. But he did not do what she asked, at least yet. “Why, Alice? I thought we had something special here tonight.”

As she talked she was beginning to feel better. None of her problems were too great. “We had a memory, Tommy. That's all, Tommy. What we had was special but what we have now isn't.”

“I was trying to deny my Father's death. I must have figured if I turned the clock back to when I was seventeen he would still be alive and everything would be fine. I wouldn't have to fight with Jessie. I wouldn't have to worry about my sister and Mother.”

“But then I would also be denying the fact that I am not seventeen. I am forty one years old, Tommy. I have a husband I love. I have two beautiful children I love. If I went into that house with you I would be denying that. I would be denying the future.”

He started the car without a word. As they pulled back into the street Alice knew she was going home in the morning. Let Sammy live in the house she had suddenly thought. The solution was so simple she almost laughed aloud. Sammy was the type that would never suggest such a thing and we were all so busy fighting Jessie that we overlooked the obvious.

She sighed. One more fight this night before she could head home again. The last fight. After tonight her family would have to fight themselves on their own, she had her own family now. And it needed no fighting, only love. And she would deny the future no more.

There was a time for mourning, but such a time could not last forever. The greatest love you could show a dead loved one was to simply keep on living.