New Fiction

One of the theme's for the new issue of TopBlogMag is regret this week. The following is my piece written on the subject.

Regret

Kids used to want to grow up to be firemen, astronauts, even cowboys. When I was young I just wanted to grow up to be famous. To save everyone the suspense now I didn’t grow up to anyone that you would recognize. I did have my fifteen minutes of fame in high school when I was known as the girl who put out. Which was untrue except for a brief seven minutes of fumbling and sudden burst of too much excitement on his part that ended things before they had begun.

Next came college and my ambition to be a writer. I knew I couldn’t act or sing so I figured how hard could it be to write? Actually I knew better than that. I just have a flippant side to my attitude that comes out at the most awkward times. The truth is that I loved the written word and had hopes to be the next Joyce Carol Oates.

Until I met Matt and as they’ve said before about the best laid plans of mice and men, not to mention young women who think they’re in love. He was a senior when I enrolled and it didn’t take long before I couldn’t live without him. When he graduated he was offered a great job, but it came with a catch. It was in another city and would mean no more waking up snuggled against him. He made a half hearted speech about staying while I graduated, but we both knew it wouldn’t last. So I did what any hearts in her eyes fawning girl would do. I quite school and followed him to his new city and his new job.

We weren’t married yet. He promised once he got settled in his new corner office that would come. Right now there wasn’t time, the job was better on paper and in the future, now it meant long hours and small paychecks. I got a job at a small diner to help pay for the standard of living he thought we should maintain for appearances.

Of course anyone that’s ever seen a Lifetime Movie of the Week will know what happens next. As he moved up he met someone else. But the time he was making enough money that I could quit my job I discovered I couldn’t because I needed it to pay the rent on my apartment. The one that I lived in without him now, as he moved into a new townhouse with a woman he decided he had time to marry now.

The next few years were not me at my best. I had trust issues and found the best way to overcome them was through a bottle. I was never a big drinker before, but I decided to make up for that now. There were more than a few mornings waking up in a strange bed with an even stranger man.

Eventually I realized that the path I was on was headed right off a cliff and with me without a parachute. Getting sober is not quite as easy as it’s portrayed in the movies, but it is attainable. It took me over a year and there were a few stumbles along the way, but before my thirtieth birthday I was able to declare myself sober. One day at a time.

I decided that if I couldn’t write the words the least I could do was sell them. I got a job at a bookstore and while it doesn’t pay much it manages to keep a roof over my head and food on my table.

Which all leads to my lying in this hospital bed and the trip down memory lane. I could view my life with a lot of regret if I wanted and I don’t think many people would begrudge me that. But when they put my newborn baby girl in my arms I realized that everything that had happened, the bad as well as the good, all that I could regret, had all lead me to this point, the birth of my daughter. I knew I had no regrets.