This image came to me about a week or so ago and it keeps coming up in my mind, so I decided to use it. I'm not sure if it really makes sense or not, but I'll let you all decide that.
Lately my life has felt like I'm in a car looking out the window as the scenery passes by. I watch but everything seems to be a blur as the car races onward. I can press my face against the glass, but I can't get through, I'm stuck on the wrong side, just a bystander as everything whizzes by.
It's so much easier to sit home and watch tv than go out. Friends want to do something but I find excuses on why I can't do it. Every now and than I can drag myself out to a concert or movie or something, but sometimes it seems like its too much trouble to try. I find myself, if not pushing friends away, at least ignoring them long enough that they'll leave on their own. I have some of the best friends in the world, some of them I have barely made an effort to keep in contact with. I know, we are all older, we're all moving on in life, but that's never kept me from at least keeping in contact with them before. Now it just seems to be an effort.
It's so much easier to sit here at the computer screen, zoning out and not even knowing what sites I'm visiting than to try to write. I used to fill my every spare moment with writing. I remember an old friend/editor once told me that whenever something came up I would have a script out in days. It was all I wanted to do. It was all I thought about. I still think about it. I compose entire stories in my mind, but when it comes to actually sitting down and putting those thoughts to paper I find a million excuses not to even attempt.
Even my blogging hasn't intrigued me. I've been filling it up, but with easy quick posts. A lot of YouTube. A lot of pictures. I haven't really made any substantial posts in a long time. I just feel guilty not posting, so I make sure I find something to post. I've ignored my friends I've made on my blog. I've read some of your posts, some of your thoughtful insightful, some of your troubles, and I tell myself I will make a comment....I even think out the comment, but in the end I don't.
I'm not depressed. It's just I feel disconnected from my life. It's as if my life has moved on without me. I need to catch up with it. I need to take control of it again. There's still a lot that I want to accomplish.
1 comment:
The first part about looking out the window made me think you were channelling Buffy ;) And actually, it does sound as if you are depressed. Depression doesn't always mean crying and being sad; it can be dissociating yourself, too. That's when you are supposed to almost force yourself into doing things to break that cycle. Hopefully it will work. I'm sure your friends will be there for you when the haze clears. Take care.
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