My Trip

(Take a deep breath and you'll get through this.)
I've been back now for a few days and except for two posts I've been MIA on here. I've started to do some other posts but never followed through. I keep thinking I want to post about my trip before I start doing a hundred other posts. Nothing new really to report from going up there, but it's stirred up a lot more emotions in me that just can't seem to find a place to settle on. I've known that things aren't that good with my Dad and that there...I was going to say a real possibility, but it's more than a possibility, it's more just a matter of when. It could be a few weeks, a few months, even a few years, it's hard to say, but I have to come to terms with the fact that he is going to die. And a lot sooner than I want.

But let's start at the beginning. I wavered all day Friday if I should go or not. It's not that I don't want to go, if I could I would go every week, but I can't just leave work too often to run up there for every hospital visit. I talked to Darryl, my boss and explained the situation to him. He told me to go, that if nothing else I'll get a chance to see my Dad for a few days. That helped, even though I'm the type of personality that feels like I'm doing something wrong when I take off from work for things like this. I feel bad about missing work. I know, it's a sickness.

I talked to my brother Friday night. He was in Pennsylvania, my niece was graduating high school. My niece and nephew were supposed to be driving back with him and he was going to drop them off at my parents for a week visit. That was the plan before my Dad ended up in the hospital. Now they wouldn't be able to stay a week, it would be too hard on them and my Mom, worrying about them while trying to visit my Dad. But we decided that they would drive back and stop on their way home, for as long as needed, while I was up there too. So we would all be there at the same time, which was a nice bonus. I honestly didn't think we'd have a chance for all of us to be together again after this last Christmas.

One person I hadn't told yet of my plan to go up there was my Mom. I decided to keep it a secret. That way if something happened to prevent me from going it wouldn't be a disappointment. And I wanted to surprise her. So I left Saturday afternoon. I packed up the car, Buffy rode shotgun and off we went.

I made it to my parent's house right after dark, about nine o'clock. When I pulled into the driveway I figured my Mom or sister would hear my car and come out to meet me. I opened the door and let Buffy out. She knew where she was, she went running to the door. I got my bag out and figured that by than someone would have the door opened. Nope. I ended up having to ring the doorbell.

I can safely say that my Mom was surprised to see me. It was a good feeling seeing the surprise and joy on her face when she saw me.

What was she doing that they didn't hear me drive up? She was in the back of the house ironing. Ironing!? This was after just spending the last 12 hours at the hospital with my Dad. She came home and washed and dried clothes and than ironed. I don't even think I own more than a half dozen clothes, and those are my dress clothes, that even need ironing. I truly don't know where she gets the energy, I get tired just watching her. You can't offer to help, she just runs over you when you get in her way.

After I was settling in and cooking something to eat my Mom went to call my Dad's priest. My Dad is Catholic and my Mom is Baptist, but they've managed to make a two denomination marriage work. One thing I heard my Mom tell the priest that stuck with me, my Mom was talking about how long they've been married (49 years this October) and said "He's my right arm." Than a pause and she said "He's my left arm."

The next morning we got up early and went to the hospital. Now my parents live in a small town. When I say a small town, I mean a small town. How small? In the 2000 census there were 99 people living in this town. So it couldn't get much smaller. The hospital is in Corinth Mississippi, which is a slightly bigger town, it has a population of slightly over 2,000. So we're not talking about a big hospital either here.

My Dad had no idea I was coming either. He was pretty surprised when I walked in. I was a little afraid to see what I'd discover when I walked in the room. The day before my Mom said he thought he had just gotten back from a trip to Africa and was waiting for my Mom to come pick him up.

That was one thing I noticed when I was up there. He got confused very easy. And would forget things. One point he was introducing my brother and me to one of his doctors and he couldn't remember where we were from, he almost said Chicago (we had been talking about Chicago for some reason right before that), he started to say it and than realized that was wrong. No one knew what is causing this confusion. It could be the medicine, it could be the fact that he only has half a lung working and his brain isn't getting enough oxygen, it could be...lots of theories but no conclusions. That was one thing I found while I was there, no conclusions about much of anything.

But when I walked in the room he was fine. He knew who I was and I was happy to see the look on his face.

His shoulder is broke but it's not in a cast. They have a sling, holding his left arm to his side. He has the shakes, he couldn't feed himself, his hands shake too much. This the doctors think is from the steroids they're giving him to help his breathing. He has emphysema from his days of smoking a pack or two of cigarettes a day. One lung is done, the other works at about half its ability. So of course he has oxygen.

I can't describe my feelings when I walked into the room and saw him. He looked so small and frail lying in the hospital bed. I could see the pain in his eyes.

We spent the day in the room with him. We left earlier than what my Mom normally leaves, around five so we could go to the store, she wanted to do some grocery shopping. When we got home my Mom and I walked down to the house where she grew up in. They live right next to my grandparents' old house. It's a shambles now. My aunt owns the land the house sits on and they did nothing to keep the house up, it's falling apart. Behind the house was the old pen where my grandfather would keep some of his pigs in before he took them to the market. It was falling down. I stood there and remembered all the childhood memories when my brother and I would wander the farm, lost in amazement at all the sights and sounds. We were two city boys, we didn't know anything about the country. My cousins out there had horses and rode them, I have never even touched a horse, much less rode one. And the big pig pen, I used to think pigs were small and almost cuddly, but I soon learned that wasn't the case. Pigs were big ugly and mean.

That night, about two in the morning my brother and kids got in. That morning we were all up and out at the hospital by eight. My Mom took my sister and niece and they left around 11. They went shopping for shoes for my niece and than came back to let us go to lunch and when we got back from lunch they left to do some more shopping. My Mom needed some time to get away from sitting in the hospital room all day.

I was glad they were gone later in the day, that was when my Dad had a meltdown. It was me, my brother and my nephew. The nurse from my Dad's cancer doctor stopped by. They still hadn't figured out what was on the back of his brain. They can't do a MRI because my Dad has a clip in his head, it won't work. The catscans weren't showing what they needed. The nurse said they would probably do a petscan, but the machine they use to do that is mobile and wouldn't be at the hospital till Friday. She said a petscan might show what it was. Everyone is pretty much thinking its cancer, but no one wants to say it. But they did say it was very small and his general doctor said if it was cancer they might be able to just hit it with some radiation and get rid of it.

His left arm was swelling up. The nurse said it needed to be elevated. His hand swelled up so bad that he had to take his wedding ring off. My Dad never takes his ring off. He didn't want to than, but he did. We asked if he wanted us to take it home with us so it wouldn't get misplaced or lost. He said no, he'd keep it there. They gave him some ice for his hand and the swelling went down and he put his ring right back on. But of course the swelling went back up and he had to take the ring off again.

After the nurse left, my brother and I were out in the hallway. We had followed her out to talk to her. That was when I was asking about his confusion. My nephew stayed in the room. Suddenly I could hear a slight panic in his voice. We ran back in the room. My Dad was crying and saying that he was going to die. I don't think I've even seen a sight that was more terrifying to me than that. We talked to him and eventually calmed him down. I was very proud of my nephew, he was very calm during the whole time and helped to talk my Dad down.

The cancer doctor came the next day. She told my Dad that the cancer was the least of his concerns right now. She said it hadn't gotten any better, but at the same time it hadn't gotten any worse either. And considering he hasn't been doing chemo very regular because of all his trips to the hospital for other reasons that was pretty good.

The biggest problem is my Dad's breathing. They can't operate, because they're afraid he wouldn't survive the surgery. He also has an aneurysm about an inch long in his head too. It's something that he'll probably have to live with, because they really don't want to go in and try to take it out.

But his cancer doctor said that he was in no immediate danger and said that if we had to get back to work it shouldn't be a bad time to do so. I don't want to spend so much time up there now and than if something happens later I want to be able to get back up there.

So we left the next day and headed for home.